-Fox Kids & Marvel Comics bring you: SOLARMAN!

~The #1 issue I'll be talking about in this post is an adaptation of the cartoon show's failed pilot- originally made, and released on VHS in 1989 to tie-in with the Marvel comic of the same name; Solarman (penciled by Jim Mooney, and created by David Oliphant.) It eventually aired as a "special" in 1992, on Fox Kids.

The episode clocks in at around 22 minutes long... Now, how long does it usually take you to read a standard super-hero comic? -Five, maybe seven minutes? Ten to twelve minutes at the most.  So, right from the start- they have to condense the script down by, at least, half... and it's Stan Lee who adapts this too!  -That combination makes this comic SO hilariously, generically, matter-of-factly straight-forward.  I can't stop laughing at it, and reading these ridiculous conversations aloud (which really freaks out my cat)... 

-I just had to share some of this little gem with you.

 

UBIQUITOUSLY STANDARD-SPACE-PLOT MODE HAS BEEN INITIATED:

The, already short, story gets compressed and boiled down so much more here- that everyone speaks in pure exposition for their introductions: "Hello, my name is ______, and I will do or have done ______, and I feel ______ about it."

One word-bubble.  DONE.  Your characterization is all laid-out.  -Next scene!

"Listen Kraal, all those other planets I helped you destroy were fine.  -But I can't let you destroy Earth; where none of us are from or have ever been before. Earth is the greetest! I'm willing to die for this cause I just made up right now...  for no raisin."

-Okay... seven pages in to this story-line setup, and that last panel is the first we see (and hear) of "Beepie".  

 Seriously, who the fuck is Beepie?  Where the fuck was Beepie at all this time??  Why is he fucking here, and when will he die horribly???  I'm getting V.I.N.CENT & B.O.B. flashbacks... and that's NEVER a good thing!

It's just so random and out of place.  He shows up out of NOWHERE, he appears without being summoned or ever mentioned previously, and he is being dragged into this plot all of a sudden... because kids?

Oh, no'z!  -Not your circlet of power!!!:

Warlord Kraal shall atone for that with an armband!

...

This thing hits EVERY classic, over-used cliché it can muster, and in rapid succession- you could play a drinking game along with it! (I am not responsible for any deaths that may occur if you do, though):

 -Oh, hello over-baring father who wants his kid to be just like him, while giving-up on any foolish dreams he may have...

"Son, comics are fucking STUPID!  Lift weights instead.  Be a REAL man!"

Hey, there's a spaceship.

You gotta love those bystanders: "Fuck that injured blue dude asking for help!  He's assuredly a drunk- I hope he fucking dies soon!"

Wait a minute!  -A dying alien presents a circular object to a worthy human... and it gives him powers?
This is a totally original concept.

 "I told you, comics and science-fiction are for gay retards, Son!"

And now Save-The-Earth-Committee-Of-One here is a Jedi Marley's Ghost:

He was even doing that talking lllllliiiiike aaaaa ghooooosssst thing for a second there- this is amazing!

-NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!

-AND MY MOM IS DEAD!!!

...

-Alright, ready for his initial transformation scene?  -It's silly:

 

 (Told you!)

Yes- just like Nuclear Man from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace; Solarman's circlet is solar-powered.  -Meaning he can be defeated... by a cloudy day!

...

So, did you forget that Stan Lee wrote this comic, yet?  Don't worry- they won't let you!:

Fantabulous!  Excelsior!!!  Nuff said.

...

~Uhhhhhh, polishing your spaceships, eh?  ...is that some kind of cool, teen euphemism for masturbating or something?  Because I'm pretty sure those girls are going home to play with themselves now...

*cough*

...

So, if they are not speaking in exposition, or narrating what they are currently doing, in this comic- then they are speaking in declarations! With exclamation points at the end of every sentence!  It's SO dated, and not 90's-dated either!  I'm talking 1960's-dated IN 1990!

No surprises here- carry on...

...everything checks out.

...

NO!  NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  

-Kill it!  Make it dead!!!

Besides being dated- Stan's dialog is just so horribly cheesy to begin with; and it makes it that much more amusing to me!:

 Good come-back, Gormagga Kraal. -You sure showed Nothing.

-And so it ends...  

 "I'll get you next time, Gadget- NEXT TIME!"

...

This girl has a serious problem, though.  We should find her some help:

"Feed your Leprechaun", eh?
-She's addicted to masturbation!  Why- every time she sees young Benjamin Tucker in this comic; she has to immediately run home to verb her noun!

...

This Collector's Club advertisement appears in the back of the comic.  They had high hopes for Solarman!

Right-click / View Image (or center-click) to embiggen.

-Foolish, foolish hopes.

But you do know how VALUABLE Issue #1 comics are?

I mean: Solarman IS an internationally known character now, right?

Right???

Is... is anyone still there?

-Hello???

-There actually was an issue #2, which I do not have, dated May on the cover:

The super valuable Issue #1 came out in January... that's a pretty big gap. I see problems...

Yeah: CANCELED!!!

Still, it is so much fun.  I highly recommend you pick it up if you ever see it in a quarter-bin somewhere...It's a 30 page comics- no ads, so there is a lot I did not show you here.  If you got a kick out of this- you should check the cartoon out, too.  You can watch the Solarman pilot here:



"-Fuck that cartoon- we got The X-Men to launch!"  Da-na-na-na-NA-NAA-NAAA! 
I think Fox Kids backed the right horse. -Even though Solarman had a way more awesome theme-song!

...

-And finally, I found this panel from Issue #2 online:

See.  Even Marvel Comics endorses it.