Search Keywords V: Geeks are a sad and perverted lot... (NSFW)

~I guess that makes me an enabler.


I've failed as your sponsor...

So, here's a bunch of porn that sad, lonely people searched for and accidentally ended up at my blog instead... for SOME reason:

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of ROM The Space Knight #0:

ROM's "mitten-hands" were a defining aesthetic characteristic.
Taking those away is like giving Spider-Man organic web-shooters, or giving Iron Man a nose, or Optimus Prime some sweet (re: lame) flame decals, Wolverine some retcon'd bone claws, Captain America a non-round shield  
(I know- his original shield was not round; but round is his iconic one. All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield!)...
I can go on: It's like taking away Superman's trunks, or Wonder Woman's origin story, or casting Keanu Reeves as John Constantine- it's just a bad decision. And in my opinion- no real fan of the character would ever even dream of doing something like that.
And no, this is not me being nitpicky either- they can make ROM as sleek, and skinny, and non-boxy, and Evangelion-looking as they want- whatever- it's a reboot: I understand that.  But when I saw the first picture of the redesign on the cover to issue #0 and it had fingers?: That was a HUGE red-flag for me.
"They're not going to get this character." -I thought.  And after reading issue zero it looks like I was right to worry.  -Because they do not.
And they should be embarrassed to call themselves fans. -Not because they gave him fingers... you're missing the bigger picture if you think that's all that's wrong here. But the fingers are a symptom of a much larger illness.
You know when you're not sick yet- but you can feel a cold coming on? That's what the fingers were for me. -I was hoping I wasn't going to be sick; but I just knew it was coming- and none of the IDW medicine they were Tweeting-out could stave it off.

So, let's go over The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly of IDW's Free Comic Book Day offering:

ROM The Space Knight #0

Klarion, the BITCH Boy...

The Demon #15 by Alan Grant / Val Semeiks

~Awwwwww, what a sweet and touching scene!

Boobs UNBOUND!

Quasar #42 by Mark Gruenwald / Andy Smith

"Hercules shall fondle as many maidens as Hercules deems necessary to be fondled, Captain!"

She-Hulk, we need to talk about your thing...

(The Sensational She-Hulk #33 by John Byrne)

-Classic.

~The Marvel Universe desperately needs a tune-up...

"Eh?  How odd.  I suddenly find myself suspended in some kind of particle."

WARNING!: Do NOT attempt to headbutt-the-fuck out of Speedball.

-That's just a bad move...

It gets bigger every time I jerk, too...

From 1989's Speedball: The Masked Marvel #8 by Steve Ditko
 
The attacker/villain of this issue is called Bonehead.  Think of him as a dime-store, Ben Franklin version of Hammerhead... His whole deal is just that he, literally, has a thick skull.  They can't ALL be winners!!!

~The Punisher meets Moon Knight!

...



                       ......but first-

The Punisher gets a job!?:

"-I'll kill ALL of your friends!!!"

~No Anchovies.

Darkhawk #15

Deathlok, Sleepwalker, Ghost Rider, Foolkiller, New Warriors... If they were ever on a Marvel "Rookie" Card- chances are; I love the fuck out of their comics.

Darkhawk by Danny Fingeroth and Mike Manley is no exception.

Darkhawk #7

I like how Darkhawk/Christopher Powell had to figure out what kind of hero he wanted to be.  His origin was not just: Learn my powers effortlessly and then save the day.  It's more: 'I want to do good, but in doing so- what am I capable of dealing with?  And what ways will work better for me?'

The RETURN of Solarman!!!

~It's been awhile since...
                                              this......

Doctor Doom may not sue you- but Disney will!

Stan Lee likes to say Doctor Doom is 'not really a villain; because it's not illegal to want to take over The World......  If he walked up to a Police Officer and said that he wanted to rule The World- he couldn't be arrested for it.'  (I'm paraphrasing, here...)

-Where that falls apart, though, is while the desire may not be a crime; most of the things you'd need to do in order to take over The World would be... so... yeah.

 

Anyways- with a brand new reboot comic series coming soon from Scout Comics (because ROM Spaceknight isn't the ONLY forgotten Marvel Comics character getting a new book at another publisher!!!) I figured it was HIGH time I took a look at the final Marvel Comics issue of David Oliphant's Solarman with #2!  Written again by Stan "The Man" Lee, and illustrated by Mike Zeck, and Nestor Redondo.

-And away... we... go!:

Jam it up your... ear.

"Yeah, get me hot!  I've got a thick, throbbing, juicy MAD ON from all this pounding!"

......subtext in comics can be so weird.

The New Warriors: Forces Of Darkness, Forces Of Light

~Today we take a quick look at The New Warriors #33, and Annual #3, Written by Fabian Nicieza, and Penciled by Darick Robertson.  Both parts of the Forces Of Darkness, Forces Of Light story-line.  Tons of guest-stars in this arc featuring a little shit of a villain called Darkling.

Just let him know this is a Safe Zone, and he needs to check his privilege...

                                                                                                                  ...because his emo-rhetoric is a total trigger for me.

DC Comics' Millennium, Part III

~This final part of my 100th Post will be all about Batman!: De spookiest one'a all!!!:

The very idea of "superheroes" is scary in a way, sure...  -This is not terribly subtle, but I like the idea of that.  This series had a lot of good ideas... but, again; those ideas led to New Guardians- which is like experiencing brain-cancer.  So...

DC Comics' Millennium, Part II

~So, what's the other part of this comic about?
Well, former Guardian; Heru (and his mate; Nadia) gather a group of 'chosen ones' (who will advance the next level of human evolution into the new... millennium. get it?) all of different ages, races, religions etc... to be representative of the entire human race... and then there's Jason Woodrue: The Floronic Man (who is always awesome btdubs)... but then also this guy for some reason?:

-It's not THAT funny, Kilowog.  Take a breath...

It's never explained why he's there- what his purpose is (except to suck as a person)- he just says a bunch of bigoted things, every one hates him, and eventually he just says "Fuck this!" and leaves and no one cares or tries to stop him, and John Stewart punches him in the face with a big green ring fist...  I suppose he goes on to be a foil for the New Guardians in their comic... whatever.

~100th post! DC's MILLENNIUM!!!

-For all the shit it gets... Millennium wasn't bad at all.........



...okay, okay; HALF of the 1987 Millennium crossover/event wasn't bad.  The other half was pretentious, presumptuous, had too many plot-holes, and led to the truly horrendous New Guardians comic series.   -BUT the Manhunter half of the story-line was really fucking cool!!!  And a lot of neat things happened in the eight issues by Steve Englehart, Joe Staton, and Ian Gibson...  too many to go over here.  However- for my 100th post; I'd like to share a few of the little things that made me laugh.

In case you're unfamiliar: As the Dalek's say "Exterminate!", and The Borg say "Resistance is futile..."; The Manhunter's saying is "No Man Escapes The Manhunters!" and they are in full-on Hail-Hydra-whisper-mode in this part of the story...  They've infiltrated the entire DC Universe, replacing high ranking officials and many supporting characters with androids, willing human agents, and/or mind-controlled ones...

And look how progressive, and inclusive, The Manhunters are being!  It's good to see that even though they are evil- they're growing as people.

Also, the fact that Martian Manhunter is in the Justice League while all this is happening does not go unreferenced:

J'onn J'onzz: "What!?  Nooo... I'm not a *air quotes* Manhunter *air quotes*

What ever gave you that idea? I never have been, or will be, referred to as such."

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so...

~I talked very briefly about issue #1 of Avengers: The Terminatrix Objective, by Mark Gruenwald & Mike Gustovich, awhile ago...  I recently got the other three issues of the series, and after giving it a read- all I can say is:

Wait... what?

Search Keywords IV: Tentacle Grape

~You may have noticed that, until recently, I was away for quite awhile...

Long enough that there was plenty of new Search Keywords in my Blogger Stats section.  

So- once more unto the breach, Mental Organisms; to find out what people were Googling when they somehow, mostly accidentally, came across my site. And I shall attempt to give them what they truly wanted.  

Shockingly... It has been worse in past editions.  Maybe there is hope for humanity.

Or maybe they are all just too busy searching for "nova frankie raye naked":

But why did they feel the need to add in the qualifier "naked"??? That's how she is ALL OF THE TIME.  She has no costume! -Power Cosmic Chic.
Even The Silver Surfer eventually stopped wearing his trunks...

Wait... no wonder they hooked-up!; they were the only Heralds of Galactus who never had clothes on.  -They were always ready to go.

 Alright, what's next?  

                             "avengelyne spank"

                                                      Help yourself?:

A Star Wars "Parody"

~Who's tired of hearing about Star Wars yet?         -Nobody?!? 

Good.

Everyone fucking loves Star Wars!

-Those boots!!!  So ridiculously awesome!

-This is Entity Comics' 1997 one-shot parody of the Star Wars films (written and illustrated by Bill Maus), made just to take a few digs at the (then) current theatrically re-released / CGI-added versions of the movies; or really just the concept of them... I guess?  I'm actually not sure what the point / reasoning was for this comic having been made.  $$$

Samuree, Part III: So Long, and Thanks for All the Taint.

 Finally, exploitation aside... The actual plot:

~Samuree is a white teenager who was stranded on an isolated Asian island as a young child.  -You may have noticed, in the previous parts, her totally non-racist and broken-English way of speaking... and that is the reason why.   She was trained in the ways of super-secret martial arts of the non-iron-fisted variety.  So the basic plot, possibly unique at the time, is just a little bit been-there-and-done-that by now...
Enter: Evil Nazi Scientists! -Who stumbled across the island and used it, and it's population, to master the technique of reanimating the dead to use as soldiers.
But they too get stranded on the island, and miss the rest of the war.  Proceeding to instead destroy everything and everyone Samuree has known and loved- and she swears vengeance!

-Cut to modern day New York, where Zombie Soldiers are being sold to the highest bidder for crime/henchmen/private-militia reasons by the one surviving, evil, Nazi Scientist!
Also- HEY!: Look at all these other Continuity Comics characters who show up!   Eat our shared universe, even if you're not hungry for it!!!

Don't worry- we'll force it down your fucking throat for your convenience!

...From there she just gets her revenge on the Nazis, then moves on to battle a sorceress, and then later on an ancient demon because of reasons... Each story-line becoming less interesting than the last.